My name is Jhos Singer, and I knew Kyle because he was a student of my ex, Bon. Kyle and I would often cross paths when I was on my way to pick up our children or drop them off. It seemed to always coincide with the beginning or the end of his Bar Mitzvah lesson. And I remember what many of you have already spoken of, those eyes because they were arresting and beautiful, and that sober and yet, kind of, there was a twinkle in there in this kid. And I tend to joke around with the kids who are there, give them a hard time, you know, “Ahh, you really like this stuff? Are you kidding me?” And this guy was so passionate, he was passionate about his Jewish studies and his Jewish identity, and it was really lovely to see. So, we had that little kind of bantering sort of relationship. After he had been studying for awhile, he became a beloved star of our younger sons. Bon and I have two sons who are now eleven and twelve, so they were three or four years younger than Kyle, and when Kyle came over, oh, my gosh, it was, “Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle!” And I remember at one point, Bon had to go someplace and it was at the end of Kyle’s lesson, and she asked, could you watch the boys for an hour, and he worked it out with one of his parents, and he stayed with the boys. And Bon said, “You know, I think he could be a good babysitter.” I was said, “Bon, he’s thirteen and our children are like wild beasts. Are you crazy?” And she said, “No, I’m going to hire him to babysit because I have something I have to do.” And I was like, “Ohh, OK.” Well, the Singer boys ended up extremely scraped and bruised at the end of that couple of hours, but even more madly in love with Kyle than they had been at the beginning. Then when his birthday came along that summer after his Bar Mitzvah, his Bar Mitzvah had been in the fall, but he had stayed in contact with Bon, I was very surprised that when Bon called me up and said I’m going to be going to celebrate Kyle’s birthday, and you’ve been invited. I thought, really? She said, ya, they ‘re going to go out on a boat or something because it’s on the fourth of July and they said I could invite you.
(Missing a couple minutes. Jhos will fill this in.)
Includes:
· That trip ruined fireworks for me forever
· At the end of the trip, I thanked Kyle and he turned from a goofy thirteen year old into a gracious host and said, “I’m so glad you could come.”
· Why did Kyle and PJ have to die? Yeshua ben Sirach says:
"Don't chase after things you can't understand, which are too difficult for you to comprehend. Leave them alone since there is plenty right in front of you, which you can manage, which you can take in, which is easy to accept. Some things are meant to be hidden, let them stay that way. A mystery is not meant to be known." B.T. Haghigah folio130
It’s so hard to believe that the mission is done, but it is. And now the mission is in your hands. It is upon each and everyone of us to take that moment, that story, that love, that openness, that joke, that acceptance that Kyle so wildly gave to all of you, and find out what it means for us as we go forth in this life. I know for me, in such a simple way, and I’m sure I share this with many of you, I will think of Kyle, as I have since being on that boat, every time I see a firework. But now, instead of just going, “Wow, that was a great night. What a nice kid. Gosh, Kyle, wherever you are, happy birthday.” Instead, I am going to think about what it means to burn bright, what it means to expand yourself so widely that you can be seen from very, very, very far away. It’s a good metaphor for that kid. He had that kind of bright light that just kind of went, “fffffyyyyuuuuu.” He flew high, he flew fast, and he gave the world a brief but extraordinary flash. And each and every one of us has been designed with an incredible mechanism called memory that will allow us to hold it, to share it, to celebrate it, to love it, with or without his physical self being here. Part of the nature of memory is unpacking and re-packing all of those different pieces. It’s a little bit like moving. The great thing about moving is that you actually get to leave some parts behind. There may be some regrets or some moments that you would have replayed or something you would have done different. If you had known, you might have changed the way you behaved, or maybe he would have changed the way he behaved. Great. Change it now. Forgive now. Let go of those things which no longer serve your heart or your life. Leave them out of the box. Do not take them with you past today. It’s not an easy task, but if that is part of what you need to do to honor this kid’s life, to say, “Hey, Kyle. I sure wish you would have called me. I sure wish we could have talked that through,” or “Hey, Kyle. I sure wish I had called you. I sure wish we could have talked that through.” Today is the day to put that aside, say you’re sorry, forgive yourself, and then pull up one of those moments, so many of which we’ve already heard today: beautiful stories, funny stories, loving stories, powerful stories.
One of the ways that I knew Kyle was as a student. And I saw that this was an incredibly dedicated student, as his teacher spoke earlier today, he really impressed Bon, he really impressed many of his teachers, I think. And as I was thinking about preparing for today, I thought, where am I going to get the strength to get up there and say anything even remotely sensible under these circumstances. And so, I turned to one of my mentors, one of my teachers, my beloved junior high school English teacher, Bonnie Kahn Martin, with whom I still have a friendship and a relationship and a deep, deep, a deep love. So, I wrote her a brief email and told her what was going on. She taught in the LA public schools, the unified school district for 577,000 years, and I thought if anybody had anything to say about the nonsense of youth being lost, she would. And she wrote back the following:
Oh Jhos--
I am reaching for something to say that makes sense of young lives snuffed out and I am coming up empty-brained. It is the Great Mystery that all spiritualities grapple with: If G-d is a loving entity, then why is there.........(insert applicable injustice, catastrophe, inhumanity, tragedy, and all other miseries here)?????
Well, damn if I know.
I just have to keep breathing , walking, taking care of my responsibilities, being joyous and thankful for the gifts I have been given and let the Eternal One explain Hermself later. Or not ever. But with or without an explanation, I will be respectful of the gift of life I retain even as another is extinguished. As I have come to see it, karma doesn't do it, good deeds don't do it, divine election doesn't do it, e-meter auditing doesn't do it. Just continuing does it, slogging along until the sorrow becomes acceptance and the acceptance becomes peace. Perhaps the young are taken before they have to wrestle with this particular angel. They are too busy sublimely being.
Love always--- Bonnie, or the entity formerly known as Miss Kahn
We have a big job to do in the next couple of hours. It’s the slogging part. For those who are going to continue and follow to the cemetery, to perform this last loving act that we can do for Kyle’s body, strengthen yourself. Take a look around at the beauty, the rain, the wind, all of these beautiful people in this room, all of the great stories. Hold those close because those are what matter. Don’t forget that even just showing up to, whatever it is, your Bar Mitzvah lesson, standing in line at the supermarket, going to the same Peet’s to get your coffee, those little interactions, those little hellos, those little ways that you allow yourself to be seen, can produce unbelievably deep connections between you and your fellow. On the surface, I would not have thought that Kyle and I had a deep relationship. After this week, I can say that we had a profound relationship. And I am grateful to him for having just let himself be seen by me. And I am very grateful to Sharleen, to Persis, and to Craig for trusting me with this incredibly huge responsibility, and I ask for forgiveness for any ways in which I am not able to meet the many, many needs that we have here, but I have deep trust that there will be compassion and rachmaness and grace and care.
Oh, Creator of this strange and lovely and dynamic and ever unfolding, bright, explosive and slightly dangerous universe that you have dropped us into, please watch over Kyle on his journey to his final resting place. Please watch over all of us as we find that, as the young man beautifully said, that yearbook in the bottom of a box someplace in our minds that holds that picture of that beautiful boy. Watch over his family as they try to heal. Watch over PJ’s family as they ride this parallel wave of grief and loss. And watch over all of us as we do the great work of committing ourselves even more deeply to this life because of what we learned from these two young men, their wisdom, their youth. Ben Sirach also gave another teaching. He said, “Repent one day before you die.” Don’t wait to make that phone call. Don’t wait to say you’re sorry. Don’t put it off. Find the courage. Make your life right. Make your life true. Make your life bright, and let yourself shine. I have absolutely every reason to believe that is exactly what Kyle would want of you.
May the one who has created wholeness all around us be patient with us while we try to find that peace and wholeness within ourselves. For us, for each other and for all the world. And let us say, Amen.
(Dan Mandel gives directions for going to the cemetery.)
Before the pall bearers take the casket, I would like to ask Kevin and Lynn to come up and sing him out. Kevin and Lynn were big childhood rock stars of Kyle’s. They have a band called the Bungee Jumpin’ Cows, and we thought it would be really wonderful to have them just sing him through. So, let them sing through the first verse or so, and then when they get toward the end, please begin the recession.
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