ill be adding to it but this is it so far
kyle boy, bro
im really having some trouble trying to understand why this had to happen maybe its one of those things youre never supposed to really get you know? like one of those things that erks you for the rest of your life and makes you mad and frustrates you and makes you think maybe ill come to some crazy deep conclusion when im like 50, maybe, idk man till then i guess ive gotta deal with what ive got, ive got memories and ima keep those close to me
closer than anything else ive got, which is what ive been doing if you havent noticed but ellies mom said the spirit remains closest to the earth for the next 40 days so if your spirits really about to hop on facebook and read this then im glad i mean i hope youre getting all the thoughts ive had, honestly dude probably 30 seconds out of every minute have been out to you this is getting kinda long and im deff gunna miss the bus tomoro if i dont cut this short but ill pick it back up at ur moms house in that book one question though, who the fuck am i gunna introduce my girlfriends to? i was always super stoked to show your sexy self off to my friends, what now boy?
ill tell em stories, thats what ill do, tell em everything about you, so they feel like they knew you im lucky i got that chance dude, im really fucking lucky i love you bro, no matter where you are, thats never gunna change keep my seat warm up there? love you kyle
Hey, Alex. Thanks for sharing this with me. It's beautiful and painful to read. I have some of the same feelings, and that makes me feel even closer to you. I can't understand why or how this happened either, and I don't think I can ever understand it or that there is anything to understand--and that is so hard, makes me feel so empty. I'm pretty close to reaching 50, but don't feel very close to any deep conclusions. I hope we both can find some meaning in this even if we can't find understanding. It made me cry to read that you won't be able to introduce your girlfriends to Kyle. He was so happy when he told me about your girlfriend--so happy for you. He loved telling me about your capoeira and how incredible you are at it, how he wished he had a body like yours. Like you, I took such great pleasure, got so much joy from introducing my friends and colleagues to Kyle. It always increased my stature to have him around, and made me feel good to share how much I love him. I talked about him all the time, so that most of my colleagues around the country feel as though they know him. Even my stories about our struggles and difficult times, even when I was mad at him, made the people I was telling think more of him. When I travel for work, the first question many of my colleagues ask is, "what's new with Kyle?" or "OK, tell me the latest Kyle story." I feel so empty and diminished not having him around, not being able to watch him move through the next phases of his life which always made me proud and happy and provided me with great and endearing stories to share with my friends. I loved introducing him to friends and colleagues that I admire, hoping that some of them might rub off on him at the same time that they came to appreciate what a great and interesting person he was. I feel honored that you shared this with me, and would love to see anything else you've written. About the only thing that gives me comfort these days is to be around people who knew and cared about Kyle, so thanks for sharing your healing with me. Craig
It's one of those things where when it happens to someone else it's too far away to really comprehend it, and since it's usually something you read about or hear about in the news it doesn't strike you really, you can just forget about it. But with something like this it's too close you know? You want to have the same reaction but that's impossible, you can't because it's Kyle, it's not some guy you never met, it's our Kyle. I mean this is without a doubt the strangest and probably the scariest feeling I've ever encountered, to attempt to realize whats going on. There are times when it all feels extremely distant and for a split second it all comes up to you, right in your face and it's too much. I've been trying to put together an end of the year/beginning of summer beach trip with Max and Daniel and the family, just so i can impress the girls at my school with my attractive friends but my mind keeps wondering off to how much better it would be to have him there. It's the hardest thing to try to slap myself back to reality and it still doesn't exactly feel like i have yet. I actually started to cry on the bus when I read your message, I'm glad I can be on this level with you though. I hope neither of us have to endure something like this again, but if it happens you know you've got your second family to fall back on. Alex
